Settle and Source Sourel

Permission to Be Here

settleandsource Season 1 Episode 11

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Permission to Be Here

This episode addresses something that rarely gets said honestly in conversations about a month like this one: the discomfort of feeling behind.

Perhaps an intention was set at the start of the month, and somewhere along the way, that intention met the actual complexity of an actual life. A stressful day. A celebration. An evening that simply got away. This episode speaks directly to anyone who might be feeling sheepish about that, as though something has been failed at, even though nobody asked for perfection in the first place.

This episode explains why changes in long-held habits rarely occur through a single decision sustained by willpower alone. It is closer to an ongoing negotiation between an old pattern and a newer awareness, with the old pattern winning some rounds and the newer awareness winning others. This is not a flaw in character or commitment. It is simply what behaviour change looks like in real human lives.

For some listeners, nothing about the drinking itself may have changed yet, and this episode holds that as equally valid, naming that internal shifts, the quiet noticing, the slow questioning, often precede external ones by quite some time.

Rather than instruction, this episode offers permission to be exactly where someone actually is, whatever that looks like. It also offers a small physical practice, a hand placed flat against the chest, a way of acknowledging, through touch, that something is working hard right now, even on days that do not look like progress from the outside.
 
 If you find yourself wanting something to return to between these reflections, in the actual moment a habit like this one takes hold, I also built an app called Settle and Source. It offers a ninety-second guided practice for exactly the kind of moment this essay has been describing, the gap between noticing an urge and knowing what to do with it. It is not a replacement for anything here, simply another door, in case it is the right one for you. https://settleandsource.com

Settle and Source: The Podcast is created by Angela M. Carter, founder of Trauma Release Centre and a trained IFS therapist with over thirty years of clinical experience.

Each episode is a Sourel: a short voiced reflection set to sound. Designed for the small pauses of a full life.

Find Angela and more of her work at www.traumareleasecentre.com.

If today’s reflection landed for you, share it with someone who needs it. That’s how a quiet message travels in a loud world.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome. I'm glad you're here. This is the clearing. A special month-long companion for anyone choosing to put alcohol down this July, even just for a little while, to see what is on the other side of the habit. You don't have to have this figured out. You don't have to do dry July perfectly. You simply have to be curious about what might shift if you let your body and your mind have a little more space this month. Each week, we'll walk through something different together. What it feels like to break a pattern. What happens as the fog begins to lift? What it means to maintain something you have started to value. Settle in. This one is for you. Week two. Acknowledgement. I want to talk today about something that rarely gets said honestly in conversations about a process like this one. The discomfort of feeling behind. Perhaps you set out at the start of this month with a clear intention. And somewhere along the way that intention met the actual complexity of your actual life. A stressful day. A celebration. An evening that simply got away from you. Perhaps you are sitting with the sow right now feeling slightly sheepish about that. As though you have somehow failed at something. Even though nobody here ever asked you to be perfect. I want to address that directly, because the shame that can creep in around this is, in its own way, more costly than anything that happened with the actual drink. Here is something true about how change and long-held habits actually unfold, almost always. It is not a single decision made once and then simply maintained through willpower alone. It is closer to a conversation, an ongoing negotiation between an old pattern and a newer awareness, with the old pattern winning some rounds and the newer awareness winning others. This is not a flaw in your character or in your commitment. It is simply what behavior change looks like in real human lives. As opposed to the simplified version, we tend to tell ourselves it should look like. For some of you, nothing about the drinking itself has changed yet. And that is also completely fine. The work happening for you right now might be entirely internal. A quiet noticing, a slow questioning, a relationship with the habit that is shifting even while the behavior has not yet followed. Internal shifts often precede external ones by quite some time. And there is no failure in being somewhere in that earlier stage. What I want to offer you today is something different from instruction. It is permission, permission to be exactly where you actually are. Whether that is sometime alcohol free, or some time of noticing without much behavioral change at all, or anywhere in the wide ordinary territory between those two points. The nervous system does not respond well to shame as a motivator. It tends to respond slowly and reliably to curiosity and warmth instead. So if today you are feeling discouraged about where you have landed compared to where you hope to be, I would like to offer you a different question entirely. Not why have I not done this perfectly, but simply, what have I learned so far? Regardless of what my evenings have actually looked like. I want to offer you something to actually hold on to today as well. The way we did on Tuesday with the object in your hand. Tonight, whenever the discouragement next shows up, try placing one hand flat against your chest just for a moment. Not to fix anything, simply to acknowledge, through touch, that something in you is working hard right now. Even on the days it does not look like progress from the outside. On Sunday, we will sit with something gentler still. An invitation that meets you exactly where you are, without asking you to be anywhere else first. Until then, be kind to yourself about whatever this process has actually looked like for you so far. Kindness tends to move things forward far more reliably than judgment ever has. Whatever shifted, whatever didn't, let it be there. You don't have to understand it yet. You are exactly where you need to be in this process. The clearing continues three times a week throughout July. If this found you at the right moment, share it with another woman who might be doing this with you. Even quietly, even on her own. Until the next one. Take good care of yourself.